by Saanvi Nayar 
I have been fundamentally conditioned to accept that expecting the worst from men is normal. It is this fear that nudges me to pull my skirt down a little longer, grip my phone a little tighter, and walk down the street a little faster. It is this nervousness that will make my dad sign me up for self-defense classes and put pepper spray on my keychain before college. Historically, it is this submissive frustration that, despite constant advocacy, has pierced its way into the heart of every woman. Gay or straight, black or white, cis or trans, how jolting is it to know that we are united in fear, nervousness, and frustration?
Through this conditioning of acceptance, I have denoted right from wrong. I’ve known the rules since I was little: have someone know where you are at all times, never walk alone, be sober, carry mechanisms for protection. And through this conditioning of acceptance, I have numbed. ‘Locker Room talk’ became a palatable downside to the high school experience. Perverse DMs became a pitfall of social media. Cat-calling became something to walk past and ignore - as to not provoke, of course.
And then, Sarah Everard did everything right - walking on a well-lit street at a reasonable hour, wearing a bright green jacket, on the phone with a friend. She followed the rules and was snatched, mutilated, killed, not just by a man, but by one of authority. A police officer, sworn to protect livelihoods and uphold democracy, seemingly entitled to the kidnapping, rape, and murder of a bright, smart, and beautiful young woman.
Sarah Everard did everything right.
And in digesting how the pretenses of her preparation mirrored the perspective of my own, I realized nothing is right at all.
This very notion of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ is inherently flawed. See, women have been condemned to the narratives of both the victim and the abuser, the degree of their abuse measured by clothing, sobriety, class. When it comes to rape, it is not enough for a woman to have been abused if she was blacked out, wearing red panties, and known to uphold a promiscuous nature. And so as the law corrosively invalidates and objectifies victims, it must be a given that men feel entitled to our bodies, livelihoods, and dignities.
The brutal mutilation of Sarah Everard has justly elicited waves of frustrative advocacy; however, the real reason behind this activism is rooted in ignorance. We made it a point to care about her because she was the epitome of society’s good woman, conservatively dressed and responsibly prepared. Where was the same passion when Tessa Majors was fatally stabbed in Central Park in December of 2019? Her case was left invalidated as soon as the conjecture spread that she was buying marijuana. Where was this display of unity when twenty-six women came out accusing President Donald Trump of sexual misconduct? Their stories were undermined immediately, with their characters being dubbed as ‘bitchy’ and ‘money-hungry.’
Even if our schooling improves to teach us about the gray areas of consent, true rape culture isn’t fueled by miseducation; rather, it is perpetuated by the societal conjecture that being objectified, harassed, or abused is simply not enough. That, if a woman presented herself in a way that was immodest or impure, she is delegated both the roles of the victim and the abuser.
From microaggressions like crude comments in passing to hideous cases of gang rape and murder, men know they are historically supported by the law. In most cases, they are supported by other women. Our society has already decided that men will objectify, harass, and abuse. The burden thus must fall on the intelligence and responsibility of the woman, in the manner by which she comes to recognize ‘men will be men.’ In the manner by which she acknowledges that wearing red panties or having one too many drinks warrants abuse. By stereotyping men as incapable of decency, common sense, and compassion, we enable expecting the worst.
Because women have seemingly been expected to do it all: the dutiful mother, wife, and employee, expected to work a full shift, cook three meals, and be energized enough to please her partner after dinner. The attractive model with breasts and hips and a waist, expected to have the right amount of fat in the right amount of places, but never show too much skin. Oh, and of, course, cis, straight, white, and pure, expected always with a hint of lipstick and blush, but never too done up.
We are repeatedly burdened by double-standards and unattainable stereotypes, neglecting our deepest passions, needs, and wants, conforming to the rules in the hope that it pays off - but the proceeds never go to us.
Because truly, the case of Sarah Everard displays not just the need for justice, but the need for a wake-up call. The realization that we can follow the rules and still be victim to a toxic cycle of objectification, harassment, and abuse. An improved education will garner no benefit if there is not critical unlearning first. Unlearning that while fear, anxiety, and frustration are valid and rape culture is tangible, walking on a well-lit street at a reasonable time, wearing a bright green jacket, and being on the phone with a friend cannot prevent assault.
I can both expect the worst of men and render myself free of the stereotypes they have shackled me to. Because until there is a paradigm shift in the way women strive towards fitting expectations, men will continue to feel entitled to our recurring societal abuse. Gay or straight, black or white, cis or trans, how liberating would it be to know that we are united in fear, nervousness, and frustration?