by Natalie Dundas
She
She can tell you stories
Of how she ran towards nothing
Gravel squirming beneath her bare feet
Jagged steps and tempoless breath
Pounding in her ears
Stories about her failures;
of her pink childhood
Or the time she felt beautiful- so grown up
She can tell you all of it
While she sits delicately
With perfect posture
gold jewelry kissing her skin
And loose hair framing her face
She sits quietly
Carefully
Calculating
Passive thoughts scrambling her mind
A hand shakes
A twirl of her hair
between her perfectly manicured fingers
And oh boy
Is she running
2010
Ugly plaid shorts
Frilly coral blouses
Cheap putty lipgloss
Stealing makeup five shades too dark
Coloring ferociously
Arguing vehemently
Standing for the pledge
Green frogs and little toads
Jumping, jittering, and speaking in tongues
They did not think I would understand
Munchkins with candles
And fits of laughter
Running to the shoreline
Wringing sand from my bathing suit - don’t let it fall on the floor!
Sheets of music
Calloused fingers
When Fridays guaranteed no homework
And fireflies made my hands smell funny
When the night came too quickly
And I reluctantly showered
For the day ahead
When I fell so hard
I wondered if you could die
From a bloody knee and scraped palms
Now, I think I know the answers to the questions plaguing my mind
In sixth grade biology
In preschool
In the muggy woods
Or chilled coastline
When I was a child,
I begged and heaved
Rolled and stomped
Trembled and ran
Now, I ask the same questions
I have the same innate desires
The same mannerisms
The same panic and the same glee
I have begun to feel like a child again
Despite parties
Despite the prospect of college or driving
Despite having so many more answers to the questions that have been laboring my mind
It seems that I am only gaining more and more inquiries
And for the first time
I am okay with not having all of the answers
And I am content with not understanding everything I assess
I am at peace knowing that my purpose is to be present
To be at ease
To create
To adore
A stitched voodoo doll with so many hidden tricks
And I am satisfied with seeing all of those ugly coral tops
Cheap earrings
Jazz music
Or children's lip gloss
All in dusty boxes
Coated with alluring dust and
Random stains
As I fall into myself
For the first time
I am stuffed with gratification
Of the wondrous anarchy I roll and stomp in
(unnamed)
I wade in your ferocity
Nobody’s beauty has ever made me so calm,
as I float in your tide,
Diving underneath your white water
Opening my eyes, scraping for sand
Searching for crabs
Nobody’s beauty had ever made me so free
I am at ease
I throw your wet sand
Giggling in mischievously, doubled over
A caricature of myself
Inquisitive
Contentious
Courageous
Complacent
I surf in your wake
Nosediving
Coughing and sputtering
As I am thrashed around
Underneath your folds and crests
I surface - my eyes burning with saline
Grains of invisible sand harbored in my brows
Grasping onto the salty air,
Turning to brace myself and my
Unwieldy foam board
I can only giggle and bathe
For you do not mean to be anything but innocuous
So I thank you for what you have taught me all my life